A very personal goodbye to 2015

Wow - that ended quickly. The last year has been an absolute whirlwind, of the good, sad and memorable kind. From the birth of my niece, to last minute travels, low personal moments, investment purchases and racking up nearly 60 hours of work a week - it has been b-u-s-y.

So as I look back with a thankful heart, it's now time to look forward with a hopeful heart bursting with positivity and energy.

As I sit here the feeling of regret fills my heart in some respects. Whilst I worked hard (and I'm proud of this) I look back with sadness at the fact I didn't utilise my limited free time to spend with others nor did I indulge in one of my favourite pastimes; packing my laptop, driving to a favourite coffee shop and losing myself in writing. 

'Comparison is the thief of joy'

- Theodore Roosevelt

Can I just say, I strongly regret the power of comparison, something that strongly gripped my thoughts this last year. I felt inadequate most of the time, in my looks, life and weight - we forever compare ourselves to others forgetting others ironically compare themselves to us. It's such a horrible circle of self hate, we need so much more love in 2016 (and forevermore) - of ourselves, and others. 

Blogging confessions

In truth - blogging isn't easy. There are many who vehemently deny this, spouting it's simple, 'you shouldn't do it if you don't enjoy it'. Of course I enjoy it, heck I love it but it takes time to put together content you're proud of and genuinely want to share. Honestly, it takes proper planning to find what you want to say, how to say it and when to say it. 

Then there are the pictures. You need natural light, the right person taking the picture and/or the right apps to edit the snaps. I've learnt many components must slot together properly to make a blog 'tick' and if you're going to do something - do it right. 

Why did I stop blogging? 

You'll notice for the most part of this year my spot on the web disappeared as my voice and passion dwindled. Things got very busy at work, the hours bumped up and I kind of hid behind this. With all the work I didn't run as much; little by little the weight crept on, soon my favourite outfits didn't fit and my skin was dull and lacklustre, much like my spirit. 

In truth I genuinely didn't feel good enough. I follow so many huge bloggers, I love their energy and approach to life but that combined with my negative frame of mind left me feeling useless. Frumpy, unstylish and inadequate I constantly questioned why anyone wanted to read my boring review about a product when they could read XYZ's review. Like the dread of numbers registering on a bathroom scale, I too felt like I would never see the numbers I wanted to see on my stats page. 

Yet above Instagram, YouTube and everything else - I missed writing. The cathartic effect found in simply typing what flows from your mind and heart is powerful but when you feel ugly both inside and out, you don't feel worthy enough to tap into this.

Going into 2016

Firstly, I believe the biggest hindrance is doubt, a lack of self belief and ultimately negativity. When you genuinely loathe yourself you've no desire to be creative. Heck, I can barely pull an outfit together let alone write something interesting. The more I felt rubbish about myself the more I ate and the more the cycle continued spiralling out of control. 

A few thoughts that continuously ran through my mind

Who even reads my blog anyway? You do and I'm so thankful for you. I don't run a huge show, this isn't some uber high profile platform on the internet but it's a little corner that allows me to write and meet some lovely people and I'm very thankful for that. 

No one would miss me if I stopped blogging anyway. This one blew me away, the random messages and tweets from different people saying they missed the blog touched me. When I started I never expected anyone to be so kind or involved and to this day I love feeling like I know who the readers are because that's the true purpose of a blog - to bring people together in such a strange but cool way. 

Sure there are thousands of other girls blogging, instagramming and youtubing. What's the point in competing? Rookie error. I've learnt that yeah, everyone's doing it but every person online isn't competition - they're on the same boat, but just sailing it in a different way. I also know now that numbers are not everything, I genuinely would rather have a few awesome readers that I get to know and am blessed to even go for coffee with and form true friendships than have 20k followers that are random faces on a screen.

Onwards into 2016

Finally, for the year that lies ahead I welcome it with anticipation and joy. With that peace I want to share a final few things with you that I've (finally) grasped and hope will help you in the months ahead. 

1. If you feel defeated, you already have been defeated. So often I've approached exercise, work, my diet, socialising and blogging with this attitude and let me tell you it's singlehandedly the biggest hindrance. Think positively in everything, believe in yourself, love yourself and push yourself with a heart of thankfulness and joy. 

2. Believe in what you're doing. Whether you're blogging, trying to lose weight, advance in your career, turn your life around or simply be happier - believe, believe..believe! If you say you'll change your eating habits on Monday and know you'll probably fail by the weekend, you'll succeed in failing. When you apply an attitude of belief to everything; peace and happiness follows.

3. Start as you mean to go on. If you wake up in a bad mood, that will indeed follow you for the entire day. If you wake up positive and thankful, truly focusing on the good in your life then that will follow you for the rest of your day. If you don't feel like you've much to be thankful for - write a list, trust me it will surprise you. I'm alive, I've a wonderful family, a job, a home and health - there's always something to give thanks for. 

4. Finally, you're you and I'm me. That's what makes the world a wonderful place. That's what make different family members, friends, writing styles and personal habits so unique and interesting. Learn to embrace that, not to disregard it in lieu of trying to be someone you weren't born to be. 

I hope (and pray) this helps you albeit in a small way, it's better than no way. And whilst this isn't an Oscar speech I just want to take this snippet of a sentence to say thank you for following, reading, sharing, commenting, liking and connecting. I appreciate every single one of you!

Have a wonderful night no matter how you spend it - I'll be enjoying a hot soapy bath followed by some bubbles and an Indian style buffet with my family and Peter. Sending lots of love and positivity to you all for the year ahead. Xo